I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize