That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
