The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
lol hangovers are for mortals.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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