I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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