You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
