He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize