VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
