I think i peed on brittanys purse
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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