Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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