You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
