Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Vodka?
Forever.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize