Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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