i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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