That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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