Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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