My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
