I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize