How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Too much gin, very little bucket
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
