What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
it's like heaven, but drunker
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
