im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
