her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
