i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We don't watch enough power rangers
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
