I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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