Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Who wears a wallet chain?!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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