he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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