I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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