I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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