I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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