Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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