Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
