I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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