Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
