I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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