You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
