so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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