Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
