I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
