you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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