The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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