How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
