My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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