I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
