his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
