I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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