I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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