I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
