Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
