I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
