I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
