I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
