There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
