Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
