Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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