whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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