So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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