I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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