please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My cat gives me a boner
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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