I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
