I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
