i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
