the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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