What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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