My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
