the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
