If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
