She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize