So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
