I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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