I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize