The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize