Swine flu. Run for my life!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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