Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
