Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
