Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
