i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I understand Curling. That high.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
