Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
