I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just found a bag of teeth...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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